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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have preferred.
     
    #8681
  2. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

    THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.

    THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

    EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

    HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.

    SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

    THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT.

    THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

    SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

    SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

    THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

    ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

    SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

    HE SAID, 'LOVE YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

    'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

    ‘WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!
     
    #8682
  3. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

    When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

    “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny.

    “Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

    “He'd still be alive if that bloody ice cream van hadn't come along."
     
    #8683
  4. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

    They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

    He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

    They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

    Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

    Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
    Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

    After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
    He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

    When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

    Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

    As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

    'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle.'

    Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

    'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefits.
     
    #8684
  5. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    Jurgen Klopp flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

    Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

    The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

    When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

    'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

    'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day

    Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'

    The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

    'Sorry?!!! .......... Sorry?!!!............... ' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
     
    #8685
  6. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

    The first surgeon says,
    'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
    because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

    The second responds,
    'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!
    Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

    The third surgeon says,
    'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
    everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'


    The fourth surgeon chimes in,
    'You know I like Construction Workers.
    Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'


    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed,
    'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
    There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and
    there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'
     
    #8686
  7. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
    'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
    'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
    'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
    'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
    'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
    So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
    The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...

    Today you voted.
     
    #8687
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    If London had their own space agency, would the astronauts be saying "Euston we have a problem"
     
    #8688
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
    The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
    Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
    The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
    Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
    "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow..?”
     
    #8689
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway.
    Police ask him "Where are you going sir?"
    Paddy says "I'm taking these horses to the races"
    "But your box is empty sir!" says the policeman.
    "I know" says Paddy, "I'm taking the non-runners first!!!!"
     
    #8690
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  11. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  12. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  13. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  14. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents.

    Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin.

    So off he goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms.

    He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex.

    At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

    That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late.

    His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down.

    Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious".

    The boy turns and whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
     
    #8694
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Good to see life guards back on the beaches

    please log in to view this image
     
    #8695
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #8696
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #8697
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    If you’re thinking about a holiday abroad?
    Fly to Spain,
    Return by dinghy from France.
    No quarantine, Job done
     
    #8698
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #8699
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #8700
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