Off Topic The 'Like' Brothel

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

 

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

 

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!". The other cow replies "Good thing I'm a helicopter".

 

Somebody stole my microsoft office and they're going to pay - you have my Word.

 

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have preferred.

 

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I once told an inappropriate joke at an Alopecia convention. Luckily it didn’t raise any eyebrows.

 

If London had their own space agency, would the astronauts be saying "Euston we have a problem"

 

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow..?”

 

Paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway.
Police ask him "Where are you going sir?"
Paddy says "I'm taking these horses to the races"
"But your box is empty sir!" says the policeman.
"I know" says Paddy, "I'm taking the non-runners first!!!!"

 

Good to see life guards back on the beaches

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If you’re thinking about a holiday abroad?
Fly to Spain,
Return by dinghy from France.
No quarantine, Job done

 

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My article about the history of toilet paper has been wiped.

 

A guy goes to see the doctor, the doctor examines him and says "I have good news and bad news".
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"You have an incurable disease." says the doctor,
"You only have 6 days to live."
"That's terrible!" says the patient, "But what's the good news?".
"It's spring," says the doctor, "the days are getting longer.

 

A blonde city girl named Judy marries a Saskatchewan rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher
says to Judy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's
stall is in the barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and
knocks on the front door. Judy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Judy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady,
cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is
the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
"I guess it's to hang your pants on."