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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. TheRealBubbles

    TheRealBubbles Well-Known Member

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    Good grief
     
    #7761
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  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
     
    #7762
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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
     
    #7763
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  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
     
    #7764
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  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
     
    #7765
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  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
     
    #7766
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
     
    #7767
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!". The other cow replies "Good thing I'm a helicopter".
     
    #7768
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Somebody stole my microsoft office and they're going to pay - you have my Word.
     
    #7769
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  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have preferred.
     
    #7770
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  11. TheRealBubbles

    TheRealBubbles Well-Known Member

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    @kiwiqpr
    One day, I marched straight in to a Roger Moore 007 convention, and shouted “Sean Connery is my favourite Bond!!!”...
    That raised a few eyebrows.
     
    #7771
  12. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    If London had their own space agency, would the astronauts be saying "Euston we have a problem"
     
    #7773
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
    The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
    Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
    The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
    Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
    "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow..?”
     
    #7774
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway.
    Police ask him "Where are you going sir?"
    Paddy says "I'm taking these horses to the races"
    "But your box is empty sir!" says the policeman.
    "I know" says Paddy, "I'm taking the non-runners first!!!!"
     
    #7775
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  16. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had
    just gotten married for the fourth time.
    The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like
    to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
    "He's a funeral director," she answered.

    "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind
    telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a
    living.

    She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
    After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
    explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's,
    then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's,
    and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
    married four men with such diverse careers.
    (Wait for it)
    She smiled and explained,
    "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
    four to go."
    (Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who
    needs a laugh.)
     
    #7776
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  17. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  18. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  19. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  20. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents.

    Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin.

    So off he goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms.

    He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex.

    At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

    That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late.

    His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down.

    Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious".

    The boy turns and whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
     
    #7780

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