It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local business’s as a result of covid-19 ......... A local submarine company has gone under...... A dog kennels has had to call in the retrievers ....... A strip club has gone tits up and ...... A company supplying paper to origami enthusiasts has folded.
An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was talking to the bartender when he noticed an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, and a wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man. “That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the man goes over, and thinking that he wouldn’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?” “Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man. “Who did they beat?” “Leeds,” was the reply. “And the score?” “2-1.” “Who scored the winning goal?” “Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply. The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back home in England about the Memory Man when he returned. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar, and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian, just a bit older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting “How”. The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
An Events Company became a non-event, Dynorod went down the drain and a lap dancing club went tits up
Just out of bed due to being on nights tonight my two sons shout "DAD!! .. The washing machine has got a leak". I hurry into the kitchen to make an inspection, and what do I find.. They had put a leek (still wrapped of course) inside the washing machine.. I'll be pleased when this is all over..
I doubt anyone will take offence mate, it's how us British deal with adversity ... ... I'm currently suffering with this crisis myself. But f**k it, gallows humour is how we dig ourselves out ... ... read the Spike Milligan war stories and you'll see just how stoic we are. Makes you proud tbh.
Only books I have ever laughed out loud at...and I mean proper crying with laughing. I think there was six books in total, but "Hitler, his part in my downfall" was my fave.
I have got all the books -FAF Can't remember if this was in the books or saw it on a Parkinson interview but I like the story about when Spike met Harry Secombe in Italy - Spikes gun crew had not built the "rampart" high enough behind the gun and when they fired it the recoil pushed it backwards and down the hill. Secombe was sitting in a vehicle at the bottom of the hill when the gun went hurtling passed in front of them. Spike was running down the hill and shouted to Secome "have you seen a 25 pounder gun?" to which Secombe replied "What Colour?"
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
This one brought back memories of the Milk Cup Final in 1985 where I had my face painted and on the train going down my brother asked me to paint SAFC across his forehead.. I actually wrote the word twat, which he had on for many hours before he went for a piss in a bar and looked in the mirror when he washed his hands.. he wasn't best pleased as I remember..
I've just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 7 hours to hoover my flat. ...turns out that she's a Slovak
I got a cleaner in and I asked if, judging by her accent, she was a Slovak. She said 'No, I'm a Pole' so I asked if she was positive.
