Jokes

Spat my tea out ......

https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/weird-news/mums-fake-tan-disaster-leaves-21517323

 

Prostitutes.........they don't give a ****.

 

I had a visit from the police today. They said if I wanted to walk around my house in the nude, I had to do it inside.

 

This is the jokes thread. You’ll need to start up a confessions thread. If you do I think you’ll find Ell has some contributions.

 

I bought my wife some new knickers for her birthday, all red. She said "Why all the same colour? People will think I never change my knickers." I said "What people?"

 

That's why your wishes stopped.

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

2020 and gessa fell down a hole,
Gessa says..."it's dark in here, innit,
2020 replied...."I don't know, I can't see".............................

 

Was told at an early age, only an idiot laughs at their own jokes.

 

That was him joking? Really? Guess you've got to be on the same meds as him to appreciate it.

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon…

‘**** off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’

 

It was originally worded 2 dickheads, I changed the names to your names....You should be appreciative.

I didn't laugh, but he did when I told him the joke.

 

please log in to view this image

 

Well it made me laugh, especially the droves rushing to help him.

Good tune too