My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh Simon," she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time!"
My blonde wife and I got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid. Eventually she jumped up out of her seat and yelled, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out of that door!" I replied, "The plane hasn't landed yet."
I love my job as an anaesthetist. Just as my patient is about to go under, I love to call them by the wrong name and tell them not to worry your vasectomy will be over shortly!
A Welsh player is invited to appear for the Japanese Barbarians. On his first night in Tokyo he has a meal and a beer and decides to turn in early. During the night he experiences an attack of flatulence and whenever he breaks wind there is a sound like ‘Honda!’ Next day he's feeling quite ill, so his hosts arrange for him to see a Japanese doctor. During the course of the examination the patient is asked to drop his pants and the doctor inspects his rear end. "Ah so," says the doctor, "you have abscess, I give antibiotics to clear up". "Thanks, mun," said the patient "but when I fart there is a sound like ‘Honda!!’" "This not serious," said the doctor, "you see, abscess make the fart go ‘Honda!’"
