We're having a Brexit dinner on Christmas day, it's the same as a traditional one but without the Brussels.
A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said ,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fock would you say?
I went to the Patent office to register some of my camping inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented. I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay, what do you call it?" "A Fottle." "What else do you have?" "I have also invented a folding carton." Again she said, "what do you call it?" "A Farton." She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude." I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with 1 of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
I brought my new girlfriend home to introduce her to my family, "This is my dad and my twin brother Dave." "Which one is older?" She asked "My dad."
I was wondering what to order in Subway. I asked the girl, "do you have any feta cheese?" She pursed her lips and whispered, "I like to be tied up."
I called my boss this morning, "I won't be coming in today. My car won't start." He asked, "what about the bus?" I replied, "I haven't got a bus."
Courtesy of the ALAW FB page .... The wife said to me "so you like football more than me." I had to think fast."No,don't be ridiculous, open your legs and I'll show you." She duly obliged..So I nutmegged her.
Very Glaswegian & of a 60s vintage, but still made me laugh (I got a cowboy outfit one year - everyone did. Cavalry outfit the following year). please log in to view this image
When I met my wife she was wearing a bright orange top and some big green gloves...I knew she was a keeper.
