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Off Topic And Now for Something Completely Different

Discussion in 'Hull City' started by Dr.Stanley O'Google, HCFC, Nov 20, 2015.

  1. Ron Burguvdy

    Ron Burguvdy Well-Known Member

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  2. DMD

    DMD Eh?
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    Because I reckon there are others on here as forgetful as me, here's a few resurrected.

    Sometimes there's no nicer feeling than pissing into a bottle.
    But other times I hate my job at the Carlsberg factory.

    Why does Facebook keep showing me adverts for UK Christian Dating?
    If there's one thing I don't need help with, it's finding girls who won't sleep with me.

    I bet that deaf dumb and blind kid is gutted that pinball isn't in the Paralympics.

    I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics, but then: if they could run,
    they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.

    I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.
    She thinks I'm digging a pond.

    Guy takes his goldfish to the vet and says "I think my goldfish is epileptic".
    Vet takes a look.. "seems fine to me.."
    He replies "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

    I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs . If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me , I'd stay at home!

    My wife and I have decided we don't want kids.
    So if there's anybody out there interested we could drop them off...
     
    #8382
  3. LeftSaidFred

    LeftSaidFred Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #8383
    Ron Burguvdy likes this.
  4. DMD

    DMD Eh?
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    I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.


    It takes a while though.
     
    #8384
  5. Ernie Shackleton

    Ernie Shackleton Well-Known Member

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    I have a similar superpower.


    I can freeze shallow puddles simply by staring at them.




    It also can take a while though. Sometimes days, weeks or even months.






    Especially in the height of summer.
     
    #8385
    DMD and Kempton like this.
  6. Mr Hatem

    Mr Hatem Well-Known Member

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    I can dry my handwashed underpants by leaving them hanging in the bathroom.
     
    #8386
  7. Ron Burguvdy

    Ron Burguvdy Well-Known Member

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  8. Ullofaman

    Ullofaman Well-Known Member

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  9. Ron Burguvdy

    Ron Burguvdy Well-Known Member

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  10. Mr Hatem

    Mr Hatem Well-Known Member

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    #8390
    Ron Burguvdy likes this.

  11. GerryHatrick

    GerryHatrick Well-Known Member

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    I've put my thesaurus down somewhere, but don't know where.
    Can't find the words to tell you how saddened I am by this.
     
    #8391
    FER ARK, DMD and dennisboothstash like this.
  12. originallambrettaman

    originallambrettaman Mod Moderator
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  13. Kempton

    Kempton Well-Known Member

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    Later that day, several Liverpool players were dismayed to find they'd lost their watch and Klopp reported his missing Mercedes to Merseyside police...
     
    #8393
  14. SW3 Chelsea Tiger

    SW3 Chelsea Tiger Well-Known Member

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  15. DMD

    DMD Eh?
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    I was in a Scottish pub last week, also doing a crossword.
    I got stuck on “stranded on a desert island”......... Eight letters.
    I had the first two letters “MA”.
    When a local Scotsman said “Marooned” six people stood up asked for a Pint of lager.


    Before I got through to Seaworld, I had to say "Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!"
    They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.
     
    #8395
  16. Sir Cheshire Ben

    Sir Cheshire Ben Well-Known Member

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    Always thought he was a ****er ... put some pork on too. Fat ****er.

    https://www.mylondon.news/news/west...uZKENpx3_N9fbFTu2GkQ78gpmKzdqm2NWSvQ0BMSLozO0

    A shamed former Premier League footballer told police he "had a problem" after flashing himself at a mum and her teenage daughter as he sat in a white van in West London, a court heard.

    Neil Shipperley, who famously scored the winning goal in the 2004 Play-Off Final to get Crystal Palace promoted to the Premier League, admitted staring at the woman and 16-year-old girl with his manhood out.

    Uxbridge Magistrates Court heard Shipperley, 45, handed himself in at his local police station just as his "shocked and violated" victims were reporting him.

    Standing in the dock in a light grey suit, the former Chelsea, Southampton, Nottingham Forest and Sheffield United player pleaded guilty to a charge of intentionally exposing his genitals intending that someone would see them and be caused alarm or distress.

    Shipperley, who got seven England Under 21 caps and scored three goals, spoke only to enter his guilty plea and to confirm his name, date of birth, and address.

    The court heard Shipperley, who lives in West Drayton , was on his "usual route" driving in his white Transit van along Station Road, Hayes , when the disturbing sexual incident happened on Tuesday, September 17.

    Moments later the mother again saw Shipperley who was “still staring at her and her daughter" and still performing a sex act on himself, the court heard.

    The victims then went to the local police station to report Shipperley when he again appeared.

    This time he confessed to what he had done and said "sorry," the court heard.

    Mr Rai added: “He apologised for what he had done and admitted he had a problem which is why he had gone to the police station.

    “He said ‘it was totally unacceptable and, I have to say for the record, I did not know she was a kid.”

    The mother said that she and her daughter felt “violated” in a statement read to the court.

    Reading the mum's statement, Mr Rai said: “I was really shocked and angry.

    "It was disgusting, I was not willing to let my daughter go through this.

    “How can he think he has the power to do this to females. Me and my daughter feel violated.”

    Sarah O’Kane, in mitigation for Shipperley, told the court that the former footballer had felt “remorse and anguish” for his actions, and begged them not to send him to prison.

    The court also heard he hoped to coach an under 15s football squad, something he may not now be allowed to do.

    She said: “Mr Shipperley has lost his good character as a result of his guilty plea.

    "He handed himself into the police and at a time shortly after the offence.

    “He is full of remorse and anguish, he has lost his good character, and there are implications over and above that for his prospects of engaging in what he was proposing to do.

    “The impact on him opposed to others is perhaps greater.”
    She also said her client may contest the fact that he was performing a sex act.

    Chairman of the bench Michelle O’Keeffe agreed to adjourn Shipperley’s sentencing for a probation report to be made, saying she agreed it was “an unusual case.”

    Shipperley, who was accompanied in court by a blonde woman, was bailed to return to Uxbridge Magistrates’ Court for sentencing next month.
     
    #8396
  17. DJBlackandamberarmy(No4)

    DJBlackandamberarmy(No4) Well-Known Member

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    Looks like Adrian Chiles now
     
    #8397
  18. Mr Hatem

    Mr Hatem Well-Known Member

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    Pot calling the kettle black.
     
    #8398
  19. Sir Cheshire Ben

    Sir Cheshire Ben Well-Known Member

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    Explain?
     
    #8399
  20. Mr Hatem

    Mr Hatem Well-Known Member

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    Loiki
    Look in the mirror.
     
    #8400

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