Off Topic Jokes thread

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I can truly relate to the fear felt by Ethnic minorities in modern Britain today...cos I"m British

 

Billy ConnelyWhat Pisses me off.........ONEPeople who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
TWOPeople who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.T
HREEWhen people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". ****in right! What good is a cake if you can"t eat it?
FOURWhen people say "it"s always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you"ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
FIVEWhen people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the ****in floor.
SIXPeople who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn"t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
SEVENWhen something is "new and improved!" Which is it? If it"s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it"s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
EIGHTWhen people say "life is short". What the ****?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever ****in does!! What can you do that"s longer?
NINEWhen you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
TENPeople who say things like "My eyes aren"t what they used to be". So what did they used to be? ears,
ELEVENWhen you"re eating something and someone asks "Is that nice?" No it"s really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
TWELVEPeople who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that"s an image I really didn"t need.
THIRTEENMcDonalds staff who pretend they don"t understand you unless you insert the "Mc" before the item you are ordering.....It"s has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I"ll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you ****in McTosser
.FOURTEENWhen you involved in a accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I"ll just pick up my limbs and be off
FIFTEENWhen people say "can I borrow a piece of paper i"ll pay you back" It"s one god damn piece of paper you ****ing retards i don"t want it back