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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Number 1 Jasper

    Number 1 Jasper Well-Known Member

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    Top tip for Ladies .

    Ladies -

    When going on a night out

    Putting a Spoonful of Popping Candy in the Gusset of your Knickers , will act as an audible warning that you've pissed yourself .
     
    #10881
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    MAN: “Hello”
    WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
    MAN: “Yes”
    WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?”
    MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
    WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2019 models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: “How much?
    WOMAN: “$85,000."
    MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
    “WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
    MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.
    WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!
    MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
    Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
     
    #10882
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A guy goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, I'm
    getting married next week, but I have had unprotected sex
    a couple of times lately. Before our marriage, I'd
    like to know if I have an STD; could you do a test for me?'
    'Sure', the doctor says, 'but the result
    of such a test takes 3 weeks, so it will not be in time for your
    marriage'
    'Oh dear', the guy says, 'What should I do?'
    'Well, the doctor replies, 'Perhaps I know something.
    You go to the meadows just outside the city, and wait till
    the sheep have gathered around you. Then you drop your pants
    and wait to see what happens... If the sheep just smell your dick
    and walk away, there is a problem. However, if they take
    your dick in their mouths and start sucking it, you're
    OK!'
    After a few weeks the doctor runs into the guy. 'And...',
    he asks, 'can I congratulate you on your marriage?'
    'No', the guy says, 'I've become a shepherd!'
     
    #10883
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #10884
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10885
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10886
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    John Bercow has been rushed to hospital after being electrocuted after rewiring a plug.

    Officials say he had no idea what neutral was.......
     
    #10887
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10888
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10889
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10890
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10891
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10892
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10893
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10894
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10895
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

    She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

    “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

    “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

    “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

    “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
     
    #10896
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10897
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Dear Deirdre.....
    I have never written to you before but I really need your advice. I suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating. The usual signs.... the phone rings and if I answer, the caller hangs up, also she’s going out with the girls a lot and when you ask their names its "you don't know them.” I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night I decided to finally check up on her. Around midnight I hid in the shed behind my tractor so to get a good view of the whole yard when she came home from her night out with the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse which was open and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment when I crouched behind the tractor I noticed it. A hairline crack in the manifold right where it meets the exhaust. Is this something I can cast-iron weld myself or should I take it back to the main dealer?
     
    #10898
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I just switched from eating venison to eating pheasant .

    Absolute game changer...
     
    #10899
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10900
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