"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was out with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs." One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???" The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was me coming home late!!"
Nobody Available Seventy year old Martha woke her husband, seventy-five year old George from his nap on the sofa. "There is a truck backed up to your shop and thieves are loading up your tools." she told him in a frightened voice. He immediately looked out the window, then phoned the police. The police informed him that it was Saturday night and they were really busy but would have an officer over to his place as soon as one was available, probably in about half an hour. He was advised to stay inside the house with the doors locked until they got there. He hung up the phone, waited about a minute and called back. "This is the fellow that just called about the theives stealing his tools, don't hurry, I just shot them." Three minutes later an ambulance and two police cars arrived and the burgulars were caught red-handed. "What is going on here?" asked one of the officers, "We were informed that you had shot them." "Yeh, and I was informed that nobody was available." Old George replied
There was a man who had worked all his life and saved all of his money... He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me, because I want to take all my money to the afterlife. So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakes got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait A Minute!" She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man." She said, "Yes l, I promised that. I'm a Good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that cakser with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" " I sure did", said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a checque"
A 90 year old woman just got married for the 4th time.... It was big news in a small town and a local reporter wanted to interview the lady for a story. The reporter asked the lady what professions her previous husbands had while they were married and before they passed on. "Well..." said the lady " My first husband was a banker, the second was a circus performer, my third was a Pastor and my fourth is an undertaker. "Wow such a diverse group of occupations!" said the reporter. "How do you explain it?" "Well..." said the lady, " one was for the money, two was for the show, three was to get ready, and four was to go."
Winning joke at the Edinburgh Festival "I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower' - I think I might have florets."
