I travel around fairgrounds and tell the owners when their coconut stalls are getting too old. I'm the shy retiring type.
As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was allowed a final minute with my wife. I said "Listen Jo, prison is a horrible place that changes people for the worse, and when I come out I doubt I'll be the same man you know and love. For that reason, I don't expect you to wait for me, so get on with your life and try and meet someone else who can hopefully be a father to our children. Most of all though, just stay strong and be happy." "Stay strong?" my wife snapped, "You're only doing a week for an unpaid parking ticket, you fu*king twat!"
A 73-yr-old woman is in court for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement......
Nintendo have brought out a new game; where a 10 year old boy runs around the streets of Glasgow smashing up cars, stabbing people and robbing houses It's called "Wii bastard."
In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked. In walks a tart who squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player. When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him. At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts ..... ..... ..... ..... "Oi you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off !!"
My girlfriend said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate... I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock!
