When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1.
According to Tetley the best way to make the perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife and say ''2 sugars, fat arse!''
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?" Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the pay-out from night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia ... ' Melbourne ', he tells her. 'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires. 'Glen Iris' he replies. 'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' ' Cameo Street ' he replies. 'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering; 'What number?' 'Number 20', he replies. She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!' 'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you
Ann Summers new vibrator for women is so realistic! Just before you reach a climax it cums, farts, goes limp, rolls over and then it switches itself off.
I told my psychiatrist today that I feel hopelessly depressed. "Have you thought about self-harming?" He asked. For ****'s sake, I thought you were here to help, I said.
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captain. Guy: "Captain, Captain!, there's no women on board what will be do for pleasure???" Captain: "Ohh... don't worry me laddie just stick your dick in that barrel and everything will be alright So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation. So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens So he runs to the captain and says "Captain, Captain, I stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happened". Captain: "Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel"......
