A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced rate of £10 as she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it? She replied "Acwoss the woad, against those wailings."
Don't forget; it's the AGM of the Weak Bladder Association tonight. If you can't make it, just give us a tinkle....
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up? God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
My wife says she’s leaving me as she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy. Just what ****ing planet is she on?
My wife was not impressed when I bought a revolving chair. Then she sat on it. I think she’s coming round.....
