My mother-in-law asked me "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the fireplace?" I replied "To keep the kids away from the fire"
This Big Game Hunter walked into the Bar and bragged to everyone about his Hunting Skills. The man was undoubtedly a Good Shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said, "That they could Blindfold him and he would recognize any Animal's Skin from its Feel, and if he could Locate the Bullet Hole he would even tell them what Caliber the Bullet was, that Killed the Animal..??? The Hunter said that he was willing to prove it. If they would put up the Drinks, and so the Bet was on. They Blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first Animal Skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "BEAR".. Then he felt the Bullet Hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 Rifle." And he was right. They brought him another Skin, one that someone had in their Car Trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "ELK, shot with a 7mm Mag Rifle." Again he was right. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a Round of Drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had One Hell of a Shiner. He said to his Wife, "I know I was Drunk last night, but Not Drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this Black-Eye"..??? His Wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into Bed and put your hand down my Panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “SKUNK, killed with a ****ing big AXE”..
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.”
I asked my wife to pretend she was a schoolgirl for our anniversary, she brought a note from her mum saying she had a headache.
