At s recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I didn't know that one but would have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have been suffering from grout, it's similar to gout, but you get it after a night on the tiles....
A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "Where were you...? "I was with Jessica." He replied. "What were you doing"...? "We were studying"... After picking a snack off the table the son says, "These fishcakes are lovely"... Dad replies, "Wash your hands son; they're ****ing donuts"...
Two Irish Women in a Bar Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am..!' The first one says, 'So am I..! And where about in Ireland are ya from..?' The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin..?' The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I..! So did I..! And what school did ya go to..?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.' The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I..! Tell me, what year did you graduate..?' The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us..! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight..! Can you believe it..? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self..!' About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian..?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are f*cking drunk again.
A man walks into the British Parliament office, says to the receptionist: - "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent M.P." The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.'' He was filling the form OK until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised..?'' So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary.?" She replied... "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised..? She replied...."To become a British Member of Parliament you have to be a complete prick..!
A Yorkshireman and a Lancastrian are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Yorkshireman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Lancastrian, whom exclaims,'' may Lancashire and Yorkshire live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Lancastrian man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Yorkshireman, whom replies: ''no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
