Guy walks into a bar and sees a sign 'Cheese sandwiches £1.50, hand-job £10' he calls the serving girl over and asks "Are you the one who does the hand jobs?" She smiles and says "actually I am!" to which he replies "then go and wash your hands, I want a f.ucking cheese sandwich!"
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop. Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?" He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
My dad will love this. He thinks I've become a legendary joke taker, I haven't told him their all yours. The one a couple of months ago about the dwarf escaping over the prison wall/ condescending was superb. Cheers mate.
Apparently Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily, and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said: “This super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.” please log in to view this image
Martha recently lost her husband. She brought his ashes home and poured him out on the patio table. Whilst tracing her fingers through his ashes she began talking to him. "You know that fur coat you promised me? I got it with the insurance money!" "Remember the new car you promised me. Bought that as well!" " Also the emerald necklace, got that too." "Remember the blow job I promised you? Get ready!"
Because I'm a Man Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an option. I will win. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion. Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly). Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too. Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others. Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2015, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do. This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
