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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Strewth cobber - is that Didley ?
     
    #5001
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 19, 2018
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5002
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 19, 2018
    Didley Squat, San Diego and Gordon Armstrong like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work...

    Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke...

    Then he says, "This is powerful
    healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish"...

    The man then asks, "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue"...?

    The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year"...

    The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers...

    That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised...

    His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for"...?
     
    #5003
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 19, 2018
    Didley Squat, San Diego, Gordon Armstrong and 1 other person like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I can't believe my wife just told me I'm old fashioned......

    And with her ankles showing ......the strumpet.......
     
    #5004
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
    Didley Squat, San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5005
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
    Didley Squat, San Diego, Gordon Armstrong and 1 other person like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5006
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5007
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' this Christmas in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London.

    Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
     
    #5008
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5009
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5010
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5011
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
    San Diego, Gordon Armstrong and kiwiqpr like this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5012
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
    Didley Squat, San Diego, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5013
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A lorry load of Viagra was hijacked today.

    Police think it was the work of hardened criminals!
     
    #5014
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
    Didley Squat, San Diego, Gordon Armstrong and 1 other person like this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5015
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2018
    Didley Squat, San Diego, Gordon Armstrong and 1 other person like this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5016
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 21, 2018
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Chris Rea - it's five weeks until Christmas.

    Get your f*cking car serviced this year.
     
    #5017
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 21, 2018
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Little Old Lady In Court...

    Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
    Old Lady: I am 94 years old.
    Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
    Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
    Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
    Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
    Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
    Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
    Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
    Defense Attorney: Why not?
    Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
    Defense Attorney: What happened next?
    Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.
    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
    Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
    Defense Attorney: Why not?
    Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
    Defense Attorney: What happened next?
    Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '
    Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
    Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
    And that's when I shot him, the little b*stard.
     
    #5018
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 21, 2018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5019
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 21, 2018
    Didley Squat and San Diego like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #5020
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 21, 2018
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Page 251 of 835
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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