I got so sick of Trick or Treaters that I turned the lights off and pretended I wasn’t in. Sod the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.......
I was attacked at the bus stop last night by a bloke with a power tool. I was standing there minding my own business then Bosch.
Me and the wife had a big fight last night. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible. Wait until she hears I've won the Nigerian lottery
I realised my parents favoured my twin brother when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party!
BREAKING NEWS: Liverpool manager has resigned! He's taking his family home to Germany. The Klopp's go back this weekend!
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
My wife says I'm immature, and we should set aside a day so that we can talk. Like that's gonna happen in the middle of conker season!
The police came to my door holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife?" Shocked I answered, "Yes". They said, "We are afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said, "I know, but she takes it up the arse, does the cooking and she's good with the kids”
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?" "Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin 'em fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba." "And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gittin that hot coffee that she ordered?" "Yep." "And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the lawyer." "But why are you asking?" "Well, I was thinkin . ... what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
