Andy Carroll’s agent hospitalised

after ****ing himself into a coma



http://newsthump.com/2011/02/01/andy-carrolls-agent-hospitalised-after-****ing-himself-into-a-coma/

Good read..

 

Christ.

I found it difficult to get it into a cup.

 

Show the article i can't access it from work!

 

The agent of Premier League footballer Andy Carroll is in hospital after slipping into coma as a result of excessive masturbation following Carroll’s £35m transfer to Liverpool.

A hospital spokesperson confirmed that a man was admitted late last night and is currently in a serious but stable condition.

His doctor told us, “We can confirm that we are currently treating a man who is in a coma brought about by ferocious masturbation.”

“There’s also very little we can do about the fixed grin, and despite being heavily sedated he has been mumbling ‘ten percent, ten percent’ over and over again since his arrival.”

“Surgeons have successfully removed his hand from his penis, but we are preparing his wife for the possibility that the erection will be permanent.”
Andy Carroll’s agent quite happy

The hospitalisation is a swift turnaround for the agent, who just six months ago believed his job for the next few years would mainly entail sneaking copies of Shoot! magazine into the local prison.

The agent’s PA told reporters that the warning signs started to manifest as soon as word of the initial bid reached the agent’s office.

She said, “He started to get an erection as soon as the £30m bid came in, and there was no danger of that subsiding despite Newcastle rejecting it. He was pinned to the desk all morning.”

“When the £35m bid came in his hands were straight down his trousers, and when the deal was completed, well, he was pretty much a blur from that point on.”

Related posts:

1. Liverpool attempt to buy Andy Carroll for the price of ten Andy Carrolls
2. Estate Agent forgot to mention house was completely fictional
3. Capello to consider letting Andy Carroll punch whoever he likes
4. Coma woman wakes briefly to request album change
5. Osborne to put coma patients to work as draft exclude

 

Superb

 

I want to read some of those related stories!!

 

Voila

Liverpool have a had a bid turned down by Newcastle for Andy Carroll, believed to be the equivalent of ten Andy Carrolls, with Newcastle reportedly holding out for a price more in the region of twelve Andy Carrolls.

Newcastle manager Alan Pardew has insisted that Carroll is not for sale, but it is believed that owner Mike Ashley’s head may be turned if Liverpool up their offer by a further two Andy Carrolls.

A club source revealed, “Every player has their price, and in Andy Carroll’s case it would be about twelve times what he’s actually worth.”

The cost of English players in today’s market has caused concern to clubs looking to pay realistic prices for players, with one pundit insisting “We’ve already seen Darren Bent sold for the price of four Darren Bents, with the possibility of that rising to five Darren Bents depending on performance and appearances.”

“So I suppose you could say that in this climate one Andy Carroll probably is worth about ten Andy Carrolls.”

Andy Carroll Liverpool bid
Liverpool fans have expressed concerns at the proposed transfer fee, but a club spokesperson revealed that they were confident that the Newcastle forward would start to repay the fee straight away.

A statement read, “We hope there isn’t too much early expectation from the fans, after all, despite us paying anywhere up to twelve Andy Carrolls, he’s still just one Andy Carroll.”

“On the bright side, any contract we sign will see us fine Andy a months wages every time he gets into any sort of trouble, so hopefully he should pay back most of his transfer fee over the first couple of seasons.”

 

“On the bright side, any contract we sign will see us fine Andy a months wages every time he gets into any sort of trouble, so hopefully he should pay back most of his transfer fee over the first couple of seasons.”[/QUOTE]

Poor old Andy, he'd have been better off staying with us.

 

Andy Gray spends evening analysing wife’s supermarket tactics on ProZone

Former Sky Sports pundit Andy Gray spent yesterday evening using cutting edge technology to analyse his wife’s tactics during her weekly shopping expedition to their local Sainsbury’s.

Gray waited patiently until she’d finished unpacking the perishable goods before using a series of CCTV camera angles and brightly coloured graphics to critically assess her grocery shopping performance.

Speaking to no-one in particular, Gray began, “Overall I think she’s got to be happy with the result.”

“Sainsbury’s on a Thursday evening is never an easy place to, and I think she’s come away with the very least she could expect from her efforts, definitely.”

“But there are certainly a few areas for improvement, and one or two glaring mistakes that I’m sure she’ll want to work on in training.”

“You see here, for example. There was an obvious gap down towards to the eggs, but if we roll the film forward you can see she chose to easy option and moved across to the bread, that’s a lack of experience right there.”

“A shopper with a bit more vision would definitely have capitalised on that opportunity.”

 

That is ****ing brilliant!!! Hahaha

 

that's e bit HARD ON him that like

 

I laughed for about 10 at the end of that

Brilliant