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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4581
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 19, 2018
    Didley Squat, Gordon Armstrong, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Just went to download an App called 'Shpock', and ended up with a Sean Connery tribute to Leonard Nimoy.
     
    #4582
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 19, 2018
    Didley Squat, Gordon Armstrong, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4583
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 19, 2018
    Didley Squat, Gordon Armstrong, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Not sure why this toy horse needed this level of detail.
     
    #4584
    kiwiqpr, Sep 19, 2018
    Didley Squat, Wooperts_duck and San Diego like this.
  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    My wife poured coffee all over me at the breakfast table this morning. I don’t enjoy confrontation so I just ignored her. But then at work my secretary poured her piping hot tea on my head! Again, to avoid confrontation I ignored her. The last straw was when I went round to my mum’s place as she was ill, and she poured lemsip straight onto me. Honestly, women take me for a right mug.
     
    #4585
    kiwiqpr, Sep 19, 2018
    Didley Squat, Wooperts_duck and San Diego like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Unfortunately my clinically obese parrot just died.

    It is, however, a great weight off my shoulders .....
     
    #4586
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 19, 2018
    San Diego, Didley Squat, Gordon Armstrong and 1 other person like this.

  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    His arrival was foretold in an ancient mural.
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    #4587
    kiwiqpr, Sep 19, 2018
    San Diego, Wooperts_duck, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  8. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    Looks like a balls up!
    Contender for the ‘Bollocks’ thread!
     
    #4588
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2018
    Didley Squat, Sep 20, 2018
    San Diego, Wooperts_duck, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4589
    kiwiqpr, Sep 20, 2018
    Wooperts_duck, Didley Squat and San Diego like this.
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Scientists say, that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.

    What a load of crap.

    I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stones in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!
     
    #4590
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 20, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4591
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 20, 2018
    Gordon Armstrong, Didley Squat, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    At a Glasgow Pub Quiz, the final question to win £1000 pounds is:
    "Take That's first Album had a four word title, the first two words were, "Take That, what were the second two?"

    After a lengthy silence a wee Glaswegian man stands up and says.." was it.. Ya Bastard?"
     
    #4592
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 20, 2018
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4593
    kiwiqpr, Sep 20, 2018
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A Barnsley fan, a Rochdale fan and a Rotherham fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
    By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
    The Rochdale fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
    This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Rochdale fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
    The Rotherham fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
    But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
    The Barnsley fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You have some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
    "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Barnsley fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
    "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
    "Tie that Rochdale fan to my back...!!!
     
    #4594
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 20, 2018
    kiwiqpr, BluefromBridgend and San Diego like this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Harrow to you too......
     
    #4595
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 21, 2018
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I took my mother in law out yesterday morning.

    Being a sniper is f*cking awesome....
     
    #4596
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 21, 2018
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    People often say that the fish had it easy during the biblical flood, as they didn’t need to be on an ark.

    Little did they know that Noah had a second boat which had several decks just for fish, due to the many different varieties of Carp

    It was a Multi-Storey Carp Ark
     
    #4597
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 21, 2018
    Gordon Armstrong and San Diego like this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Oooer Missus.......
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    #4598
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 21, 2018
    Gordon Armstrong, San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4599
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 21, 2018
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4600
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 21, 2018
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
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: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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