Breaking News: Spurs and French international Hugo Lloris was arrested last night for drink driving. He now has more points than Arsenal......
when she gets the sack at least she has a career to fall back on teresa mays school of dance please log in to view this image
Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving. He was given six months but the police don"t think he will finish his sentence.
I said to my Scottish mate, "trapped on a desert island eight letters, starting with M"....he replied, "Marooned" "Thanks, I'll have a pint with a chaser!"
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?” Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!” Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it... A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.” “I think I know who it..but I’m not 100%… No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure. Regis: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.” (ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): “Hello…” Regis: “Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer — fire away Barbara.” Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush” Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..It’s a Cuckoo.” Barbara: “You think?” Maggie: “I’m sure.” Barbara: ” Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up) Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?” Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo” Regis: “Is that your final answer?” Barbara: “It is.” Regis: “Are you confident?” Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.” Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.” (clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest? Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.
how cars are born never seen before photos please log in to view this image please log in to view this image
Woman rings the local paper to ask about an obituary for her recently deceased husband. The lady on the phone says what would you like to say ? She said "My dear loving husband of 45 years Frederick has passed away, sadly missed by his loyal loving wife Rose and the children Daisy and James". The lady on the phone says "That’ll be £25". Rose replied "£25 ! How does that equate ?". The lady replies "It’s a pound a word". Rose then said "Oh I see, could you change it ?“ Yes what would you like ?” "Could you put Fred’s dead, Mondeo for sale...... “
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£37,000."; MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £570,000 for it." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's what you really want." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
I phoned my boss on his mobile number this morning, and said, "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now." "What?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's 5 o' clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?" "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning!"
