1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4401
    kiwiqpr, Didley Squat and San Diego like this.
  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,049
    Likes Received:
    235,501
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4402
  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,049
    Likes Received:
    235,501
    when she gets the sack at least she has a career to fall back on




    teresa mays school of dance
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4403
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    • Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving.

    • He was given six months but the police don"t think he will finish his sentence.
     
    #4404
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4405
    mustyfrog, Didley Squat and San Diego like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    I said to my Scottish mate, "trapped on a desert island eight letters, starting with M"....he replied, "Marooned"

    "Thanks, I'll have a pint with a chaser!"
     
    #4406

  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4407
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4408
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4409
  10. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2011
    Messages:
    27,790
    Likes Received:
    10,794
    A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
     
    #4410
  11. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2011
    Messages:
    27,790
    Likes Received:
    10,794
    Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”
    Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”
    Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?

    Is it...
    A-Robin
    B-Sparrow
    C-Cuckoo
    D-Thrush

    Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.”
    “I think I know who it..but I’m not 100%… No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
    Regis: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
    Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”

    (ringing)

    Maggie (also a blonde): “Hello…”
    Regis: “Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
    The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question.
    There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer — fire away Barbara.”
    Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?

    Is it:
    A-Robin
    B-Sparrow
    C-Cuckoo
    D-Thrush”

    Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..It’s a Cuckoo.”
    Barbara: “You think?”
    Maggie: “I’m sure.”
    Barbara: ” Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)
    Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”
    Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”
    Regis: “Is that your final answer?”
    Barbara: “It is.”
    Regis: “Are you confident?”
    Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”
    Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
    Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.”

    (clapping)

    That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
    Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.
     
    #4411
    San Diego, Wooperts_duck and kiwiqpr like this.
  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,049
    Likes Received:
    235,501
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4412
  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,049
    Likes Received:
    235,501
    how cars are born
    never seen before photos
    please log in to view this image

    please log in to view this image
     
    #4413
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    Woman rings the local paper to ask about an obituary for her recently deceased husband. The lady on the phone says what would you like to say ?

    She said "My dear loving husband of 45 years Frederick has passed away, sadly missed by his loyal loving wife Rose and the children Daisy and James".

    The lady on the phone says "That’ll be £25". Rose replied "£25 ! How does that equate ?".

    The lady replies "It’s a pound a word". Rose then said "Oh I see, could you change it ?“

    Yes what would you like ?”

    "Could you put Fred’s dead, Mondeo for sale...... “
     
    #4414
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
    begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello"

    WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

    MAN: "Yes."

    WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
    It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

    MAN: "How much?"

    WOMAN: "£37,000.";

    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and
    found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
    They're asking £570,000 for it."

    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll
    probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's
    what you really want."

    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
    in astonishment, mouths wide open.

    He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
     
    #4415
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    I phoned my boss on his mobile number this morning, and said, "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."

    "What?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's 5 o' clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?"

    "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning!"
     
    #4416
    Gordon Armstrong and San Diego like this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4417
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4418
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,627
    Likes Received:
    299,131
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4419
  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,049
    Likes Received:
    235,501
    The best-selling piece of merchandise at the Notting Hill Carnival is revealed...
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4420

Share This Page