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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'm not a great fan of innuendos, however I do like to slip one in now and again.
     
    #4301
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 16, 2018
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

    Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
    Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required
    ritualised kisses, she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
    Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

    Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Jason, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Jason is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4,000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

    Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

    Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his 'manhood'.

    Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband is actually a cashier at WalMart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn, and have a travel-trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

    Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, owns up that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

    Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
     
    #4302
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 16, 2018
    Gordon Armstrong, San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4303
    kiwiqpr, Aug 16, 2018
    Didley Squat, Wooperts_duck, Gordon Armstrong and 1 other person like this.
  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4304
    kiwiqpr, Aug 17, 2018
    Didley Squat, Wooperts_duck, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4305
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 17, 2018
    San Diego, Gordon Armstrong, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4306
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 17, 2018
    San Diego, kiwiqpr and Didley Squat like this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.

    I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
    I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to make love to the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a dump on the floor and pee everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant penis.

    Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that.!!!!!!
     
    #4307
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 18, 2018
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4308
    kiwiqpr, Aug 19, 2018
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    New
    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.

    A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

    She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
     
    #4309
    kiwiqpr, Aug 19, 2018
    San Diego, Wooperts_duck and Gordon Armstrong like this.
  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4310
    kiwiqpr, Aug 20, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4311
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • What do you call an Indian choreographer?

    • Dan Singh
     
    #4312
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • When my grandfather was ill, my grandmother used to rub lard on his back.

    • After that, he went downhill very quickly.
     
    #4313
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • Last Valentine"s day, I gave my girlfriend a single Rose.

    • I ate the rest of the box myself.
     
    #4314
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F*ck" or "F*cking" 506 times.

    That actually beats a record set by my Dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.
     
    #4315
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4316
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Man Utd fan walks into the travel agents... "Any nice mini breaks?"

    Travel Agent: "Can't beat Brighton this time of year."
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    #4317
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4318
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4319
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4320
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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Page 216 of 835
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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