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Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

Page 237 of 842
  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    My dog does a somersault every time Man utd score a goal.
    Sometimes he does two.
    It just depends on how hard i kick him !
     
    #4721
    kiwiqpr, Aug 16, 2018
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Sadly the man who invented Chinese whispers has died …..... may he test tinned peas.
     
    #4722
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 16, 2018
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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    MALE v FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
    'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
    Customers using this new facility are
    requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
    MALE PROCEDURE:
    1... Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Lower your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Raise window.
    7. Drive off.






    FEMALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN .
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
    holder, and place card into the slot provided!
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Redial person on mobile phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Hand Brake.
     
    #4723
    kiwiqpr, Aug 16, 2018
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4724
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 16, 2018
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I have started a yacht building business in my loft.

    The sails are going through the roof.
     
    #4725
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 16, 2018
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Couldn't believe my luck last night I met this beautiful blonde in the pub,and she said she'd show me a really good time.

    When we got outside she did the 100 metres in 9.68 seconds.
     
    #4726
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 16, 2018
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A priest was walking along when suddenly a frog said to him "Father a curse has been placed on me. I used to be a choirboy, to reverse the curse you must take me home and look after me with some food and a bed for the night."
    The priest then took the frog home and placed him on his pillow. In the morning the priest found a young choirboy in his bed.
    And that My Lord is the case for the defence
     
    #4727
    kiwiqpr, Aug 16, 2018
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'm not a great fan of innuendos, however I do like to slip one in now and again.
     
    #4728
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 16, 2018
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

    Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
    Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required
    ritualised kisses, she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
    Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

    Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Jason, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Jason is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4,000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

    Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

    Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his 'manhood'.

    Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband is actually a cashier at WalMart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn, and have a travel-trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

    Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, owns up that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

    Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
     
    #4729
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 16, 2018
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  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4730
    kiwiqpr, Aug 16, 2018
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  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4731
    kiwiqpr, Aug 17, 2018
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  12. Eamon Holmes

    Eamon Holmes Well-Known Member

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    Joe King
     
    #4732
    Eamon Holmes, Aug 17, 2018
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4733
    kiwiqpr, Aug 19, 2018
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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    New
    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.

    A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

    She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
     
    #4734
    kiwiqpr, Aug 19, 2018
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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Scientists have released a picture of what they believe Muhammad, the messenger of Islam, would look like if he were alive in the present day.
     
    #4735
    kiwiqpr, Aug 20, 2018
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  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4736
    kiwiqpr, Aug 20, 2018
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • Last Valentine"s day, I gave my girlfriend a single Rose.

    • I ate the rest of the box myself.
     
    #4737
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • When my grandfather was ill, my grandmother used to rub lard on his back.

    • After that, he went downhill very quickly.
     
    #4738
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4739
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • What do you call an Indian choreographer?

    • Dan Singh
     
    #4740
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2018
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