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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #2881
  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #2882
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2883
    neveroffsidereff and swantastic like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Manchester City preparing for their first home game of the season.

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    #2884
    kiwiqpr and neveroffsidereff like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    In an effort to determine exactly whats happened out side Parliament in London yesterday, the police were seen questioning a number of letter boxes in the immediate area!
     
    #2885
  6. neveroffsidereff

    neveroffsidereff Well-Known Member

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    Brilliant!! :)
     
    #2886
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Fancy playing hide and seek all day and getting paid for it?

    Become a member of staff at B&Q!
     
    #2887
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    When asked if he preferred legs or breasts,
    Paddy said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies.
    He was informed that this was not an option with a KFC bargin bucket.
     
    #2888
  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A duck waddles into a pub, goes up to the bar and says to the barman, have you got any grapes, the barman replies No mate this is a pub not a grocers. The duck turns round and waddles out. The next day the duck returns to the pub, waddles up to the bar and asks have you got any grapes, the barman says, I told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes this is a pub not a grocers. The duck turns round and waddles out. The next day the duck returns to the pub and asks, have you got any grapes, the barman is now apolectic and screams at the duck, I keep telling you, you dumb stupid duck we don't sell ****ing grapes, if you come in here again and ask for grapes I'll nail your stupid beak to the bar!!!! The duck turns round and waddles out. The next day the duck waddles into the pub goes up to the bar and asks the barman, have you got any nails, the barman is somewhat taken aback by this, and says well actually NO we don't have any nails.
    OK says the duck can I have some grapes then please?
     
    #2889
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  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    The staff at McDonalds are so friendly these days, when a fat bird served me earlier she even apologised for the weight.
     
    #2890
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  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A drunk walks into a bar and says to the barman, Barman,
    buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
    the bill.
    So, the barman does just that and hands the man a bill for
    £52.00. The drunk says, I haven't got £52.00.
    The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out
    into the street.
    The next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
    says, Barman, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself
    one, and give me the bill.
    The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he
    can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so
    he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for
    the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill
    for £68.00.
    The drunk says, I haven't got £68.00.
    The barman can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the
    living crap out of him, and throws him out into the street.
    The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
    Barman, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
    In disgust, the barman says, What, no drink for me this time?
    The drunk replies, You? No way! You get too violent when you
    start drinking.
     
    #2891
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  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Why are Pirates called Pirates........





    ....... Coz they ARGHHHHHH
     
    #2892
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    How To Shower Like a Woman
    Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket
    according to lights and darks.
    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
    If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at
    your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
    sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
    Get in the shower.
    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
    pumice stone.
    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
    vitamins.
    Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash
    your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
    Rinse conditioner off hair.
    Shave armpits and legs.
    Turn off shower.
    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
    Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
    Get out of shower.
    Dry with towel the size of a small country.
    Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you
    see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN!!!
    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
    in a pile.
    Walk naked to the bathroom.
    If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the
    'woo-woo' sound.
    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
    Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
    Get in the shower.
    Wash your face.
    Wash your armpits.
    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
    Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
    Wash your hair.
    Make a Shampoo Mohican.
    Wee.
    Rinse off and get out of shower.
    Partially dry off.
    Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
    Admire willy size in mirror again.
    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
    If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
    Throw wet towel on bed.
     
    #2893
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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Bloke goes to the doctors with a golf ball stuck up his arse.
    The Doc says "**** me thats gone up a fairway".
     
    #2894
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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    My wife kicked me out the other day, she said it was because I was obsessed with cowboy movies.
    Ah well, this town wasn't big enough for the both of us anyway.
     
    #2895
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  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Jesus was supposed to be a very wise man, though I'm not so sure myself.
    I mean, I know I certainly wouldn't trust a bloke called Judas - would you?
     
    #2896
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    On my way to work this morning I was stopped in a police 'spot check!'
    Apparently I've got two pimples and a boil!
     
    #2897
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Brilliant !! :)
     
    #2899
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • I don"t agree with Vodafone"s advertising campaign.It states
    • "Be part of the worlds largest mobile community"
    • Now correct me if I"m wrong but that"s the Pikeys!
     
    #2900
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