An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthestic, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife .... "
This morning I was horrified to see several young thugs in Arsenal shirts playing football with a little kitten. I was just about to call the police and the RSPCA when the kitten went one nil up.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy.” Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.” Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying ‘things would be okay.’ William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.” “Thanks,” said the grandpa, “but I’m William. The little s*it’s name is Kevin.”
A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside. Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.' "Just cats," he thought. He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.' "Just dogs," he thought. As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded the sack the Irishman said... ''Potatoes!''
My Grandad warned them the Titanic would sink. He kept telling them, but they would not listen. They eventually had enough and threw him out of the cinema...
Did you know “ listen ” and “ silent ” use the same letters? Do you know that the word “ race car ” spelled backwards still spells “ race car ”? And that “ eat ” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ ate ”? And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, rag-headed, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.” How weird is that?
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump. The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
My wife thinks I am obsessed with football. How can she say such a thing? We have been together for 25 seasons........
