Transfer Sweepstakes

16:32 - Ashley and Llambias are just waking up hungover after a night out in the casino. They lost 10 million and ended up leaving at 8am.

18:51 - Newcastle bid 2 million for a top class French striker valued at 20 million.

19:12 - Bid rejected.

20:23 - After much consideration, Newcastle decide to look elsewhere.

21:45 - Loan bid for Macheda rejected after Newcastle refuse to pay any of his wages.

22:01 - Getting desperate now, Newcastle launch a 10 million bid for Carlton Cole.

22:04 - Bid accepted and Cole (who had been on standby) is flown to the North-East in Cashley's chopper.

22:50 - Cole arrives in Newcastle and completes the quickest medical in history.

22:58 - Cole signs for Newcastle with only 2 minutes to spare.

23:00 - The news is announced on SSN and many Newcastle fans across the world go to bed miserably and/or commit suicide.

23:05 - Ashley, Llambias, Pardew and their new number 9 Carlton Cole head off to Aspers to celebrate!

 

8:50 - Cwarr gets deadline day underway by insisting that the Gervinho deal is still on

10:02 - Andy Burton's iPad breaks live on TV and he spends the time until the next break sobbing and mumbling about how "life's not fair"

11:36 - Jim White is carted away in an ambulance after having a stroke whilst announcing that Everton have finally spent some money by completing the £60m signing of Ganso

13:24 - Harry Redknapp is seen pushing his broken-down car into the Tottenham car park, in the background of a report on Luka Modric's impending move to Motherwell. Redknapp does however have time to tell the SSN reporter that the chairman has rang him about the prospect of a new signing, but Redknapp didn't answer his phone as he had a really good place in the queue at Burger King and didn't want to lose it.

15:06 - A picture of Emile Heskey comes up instead of Wesley Sneijder on the Sky Sports transfer screen for the 12th time today

16:16 - Reporting from his hospital bed, Jim White reveals that he has received an email from Phil a Man United fan, to say that he spotted Andriy Shevchenko posing infront of the Michael Jackson statue at Craven Cottage.

17:55 - Having still not signed a striker, Leicester bid for Giuseppi Rossi.

18:01 - Fabio Capello rings up Sky pretending to be Rossi's agent and says that the player is likely to join Leicester as it has always been a dream of his to play in the Championship.

19:41 - I suffer a powercut and have no idea what is going on.

20:00 - The power is back on, but my sky box is taking ****ing ages to reset itself.

20:52 - Hospitalised Jim White starts giving updates on the women's tennis and no-one gives a ****.

21:07 - A drunk Paul Gascoigne appears behind David Craig, claiming that he will pay 50% of the wages if Mike Ashley agrees to bring fans' favourite Albert Luque back to Tyneside

21:27 - Arsene Wenger runs over Scott Parker who was crossing the road outside Spurs' training ground, Arsene is arrested and hands over transfer control to Marouane Chamakh. Wenger claims he did not see the England international.

22:14 - Scott Parker has a medical for Arsenal in the hospital bed next to Jim White. Robin Van Persie is part of the deal going the other way, as Chamakh looks to remove any obstacles between himself and a place in the Arsenal starting line-up.

22:19 - Piers Morgan receives the Arsenal news 5 minutes late as he is in America. He goes on a Twitter-rant.

23:10 - It is announced the Owen Hargreaves transfer did not infact go through in time. Hargreaves was not able to sign the contract as he had severe growing pains in his wrist on both Tuesday, and Wednesday.

23:40 - Jim White receives his first bed-bath live on TV. Meanwhile Daniel Levy is still putting the finishing touches on some deals.

 

I laughed so much at this

 

If Bolton let him bring his bad beat Bob pants a cant c a problem in that deal!

 

do you reckon colo would go to an unknown club???

dont see anyone leaving apart from deadwood - ranger perch lover smith

 

14.00 - Chelsea bid 15m for Tiote

13.59 - Tiote rejects offer

14.01 - Chelsea make 21m bid for tiote

13.58 - Tiote rejects bid

14.00 + 30 seconds - Tiote signs 200 year contract

 

OUT

Sol Campbell - released
Shefki Kuqi - released
Kevin Nolan - £4.5M - West Ham
Wayne Routledge - £2M - Swansea
Jose Enrique - £5.5M - Liverpool
Joey Barton - free agent - QPR

IN

Yohan Cabaye - £4.5M - Lille
Demba Ba - free agent - West Ham
Sylvain Marveaux - free agent - Rennes
Mehdi Abeid - free agent - Lens
Gabriel Obertan - £3M - Man United
Davide Santon - £5M - Inter Milan
Rob Elliot - £300K - Charlton