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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3981
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 14, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    • A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out.
    • "Ah, hell," says the genie, "What do you want?"
    • The ginger says "I want a huge mansion with a thousand rooms and a hundred floors, all made of pure gold"
    • The genie looks at him and says "don"t be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? that"s impossible. pick something else."
    • So the ginger says "I want everyone to stop taking the piss out of my hair colour"
    • The genie says "so this mansion, you want en suite bathrooms?"
     
    #3982
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 14, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3983
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 14, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3984
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 14, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3985
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3986
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.

  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3987
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3988
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3989
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3990
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Didley Squat and 2 others like this.
  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    How is it you can throw a burnt match out of a car window and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches, a box of fire lighters, 500ml of lighter fuel and a Sunday paper but still can't light the f*cking BBQ.
     
    #3991
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Didley Squat and 2 others like this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3992
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, Gordon Armstrong and 1 other person like this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3993
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Didley Squat and 2 others like this.
  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    new pensioner friendly mobile phones
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    #3994
    kiwiqpr, Jul 16, 2018
    Wooperts_duck, San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A class of five-year old school children return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

    The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''
    Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.'' ''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
    Becky duly goes and writes ’s a n d' on the blackboard.
    ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.


    The teacher then says, Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''
    Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
    ''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit..''
    Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
    ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.


    Teacher then says, Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
    ''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
    ''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
    I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
     
    #3995
    kiwiqpr, Jul 16, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, Wooperts_duck, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

    While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
    she asked "Is my time up?"

    God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
    face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

    She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
    teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
    well make the most of it.

    After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
    the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

    Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
    another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
    ambulance?"

    (You'll love this)

    God replied: "****! I didn't recognize you."
     
    #3996
    kiwiqpr, Jul 16, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, Wooperts_duck, San Diego and 2 others like this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    • A woman walks into a chemist and asks the man behind the counter if he sells extra large condoms.
    • He replies, "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"
    • She replies, "No, but do you mind if i wait around here until someone does?"
     
    #3997
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 17, 2018
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and Gordon Armstrong like this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    • Gary Glitter has decided to return to music.
    • This time he is to get involved with classical composing.
    • So far he"s composed one song, entitled "Deep".
    • Or, more precisely, "Deep in A Minor".
     
    #3998
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 17, 2018
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    • A priest and a rabbi show up at the Pearly Gates.
    • Peter says, "can I help you boys?"
    • "Well, yeah, we just died and we would like to come in to Heaven."
    • Peter looks at his clipboard and says, "I don"t think so.
    • You have been pretty bad on Earth and we don"t let people like that in here. But I"ll tell you what; go ahead and go to Hell, just for now.
    • If Satan will let you come back, I will let you in."
    • Peter sends them away, laughing, because Satan never lets anyone go to Heaven.
    • About ten minutes later, the preacher shows back up at the Pearly Gates.
    • Peter says, "No ****! Satan let you come back?"
    • "Yeah, he was in a good mood and said for twenty bucks each we could get out of Hell."
    • "Well, where is that rabbi?"
    • "I don"t know, when I left he had Satan down to $19.95."
     
    #3999
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 17, 2018
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

    The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

    The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

    The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
     
    #4000
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 17, 2018
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
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