I just saw a pensioner do a tribute to the German football team. She got off the bus, looked a bit confused and lost, then got back on the bus and went home.
I got thrown out of the cinema for taking my own food in yesterday. Been ages since I've had a barbecue.
I started giving my wife driving lessons. Thought I'd do the responsible thing and start her off on the Postman Pat ride outside ASDA, plus it's only 50p a time.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her. “Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied. “What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?” “No, silly” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, “I just paid $6,000 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.” “So then?” asked the doctor. “Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.” “So then?” “Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, “This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”
