I just got my Jack Wilshere World Cup Panini sticker, peeled the back off and now he's got a dislocated shoulder.
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST? The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?' Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?' Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her." The nun had to leave the room.
I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was allowed a final minute with my wife. I said "Listen Jo, prison is a horrible place that changes people for the worse, and when I come out I doubt I'll be the same man you know and love. For that reason, I don't expect you to wait for me, so get on with your life and try and meet someone else who can hopefully be a father to our children. Most of all though, just stay strong and be happy." "Stay strong?" my wife snapped, "You're only doing a week for an unpaid parking ticket, you f*cking b*stard!"
When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.' When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while. When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer. I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.
Scientists have discovered a cure for all diseases, apparently. With the new Karius vaccine, you won't catch a thing!
An 80yr old man walks into Jewellers with a gorgeous 25yr old fit blonde & asks for a special ring for the lady. Jeweller says "Here's one for £5000." Old man says "No I want a very special ring." So he pulls one out for £65,000, he says "That's the one !, I'll write a cheque & when it clears on Monday we'll come & fetch it." On Monday the Jeweller phones the old man & says "There's no money in the account." Old man says "I know, but can you imagine the weekend I've had!!"
I imagine being a seagull is pretty rad because it’s basically just endless fries and permission to scream whenever you want.
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing!" The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned "Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well they always search for the black box first?"
