My son is three years old and yesterday I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and let him loose in the jewellers.
Breaking News: The lrish government have announced that as of next week, all cars in lreland will now drive on the right hand side of the road. lf this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later.
Just seen that Wayne Rooney has been to visit Sir Alex Ferguson. 'His speech is improving and he can nearly string a sentence together,' said Fergie.
A bloke's missus gives him an ultimatum that if he doesn't stop drinking to excess she's going to leave him. That night he pops into the pub on the way home from work, get's absolutely sh!t faced and throws up all over himself. He says to his mate " that's me f***ed, the missus warned me she'd leave if I ever came home in this state again " His mate says " don"t worry, put a £20 note in your pocket and tell her someone in the bar was sick all over you and gave you the money to clean your suit " The fella goes home and his wife starts on him. " Hang on a minute " he says " some bloke in the pub threw up all over me and gave me £20 to clean my suit " His missus says " why have you got two £20 notes?" He replies " the other one's from the chap who shat in my pants "
I bought a new pair of trainers from the drug dealer down the road. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
After hearing a pretty girl talking at a bar last, I went over. "Your dad must have been a thief" I said, buying a drink. "Why?" She replied, giggling at her friend. "Because he stole the stars and put them in my eyes?" "No - it's your scouse accent."
Just watched a program on Channel 4 about some Canadian blokes who go out trying to catch crabs two months a year! Surely 90% of men in Manchester do that every weekend?
I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night. We took the A4.........
BBQ RULES: We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. (6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women
My teenage son is conducting a social experiment by wearing a Manchester United shirt to test for reactions. So far he's been punched, abused, spat at and pushed down the stairs. Tomorrow he leaves the house ...
My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday. He died the way he would have wanted to go. He passed away peacefully in his sheep........
