Life on Merseyside

"Right Andy" said Carroll's life assistant Steve as they climbed into a car outside Liverpool's Melwood training ground, "you've been given the afternoon off training so we can get you settled down. First things first we need to get you a house".

"Ok, I don't want anything too flash though, it might feel a bit agoraphobic after spending the last few months crashing in Kev's box room".

They pulled up outside the local estate agents, Steve killed the engine and turned to Andy, "You go on in son" he said encouragingly "I've just got a few calls to make".

Andy approached the building and walked cautiously inside.

"Blimey, Carroll's just walked in" said one estate agent to the other.

"**** me" replied the other "I like a bird with long legs but that's taking it to excess".

"It's Andy Carroll you berk, he's just signed for Liverpool" said the first agent reproachfully. "Afternoon sir, how can we help you?" he added to Andy.

"Yeah, erm, I'm looking to buy a house" answered Andy.

"Well you've come to the right place, I suppose you'll be looking for something upmarket, I hear they're paying you £80k per week", the estate agent showed him to a table and began to show him all the available properties they had going.

After a while they decided on an £800k, six bedroom mansion and after being joined by Andy's life assistant they made the short journey across town to go and look at it. The car pulled up outside the gates, the estate agent gestured down the road "Steven Gerrard lives down there, could be quite convenient when they come to re-evaluate the terms of your bail conditions".

The agent led them down the drive towards the house, "the house has been on the market for a while actually, Michael Owen used to live here, remember him?"

"Yeah he was at Newcastle when I was there" said Andy.

"That's right" said the agent "he played in Newcastle but still lived out this way, he wanted to keep the house but a couple of years ago his finances took a hit and he put it on the market".

They had a look around downstairs. Andy was shocked to see that all the crockery left in the kitchen had pictures of horses printed on, there were horses heads on the walls in the living area. The agent opened a cupboard under the stairs and cascade of crutches and bandages crashed out into the hallway. "It could do with a tidy up" conceded the estate agent "shall we take a look upstairs?"

Andy followed the estate agent and his life assistant up the stairs, unnerved by the horses heads mounted at the end of each banister. The estate agent showed them into the first bedroom, empty but for a couple of wheelchairs, a sickbed and a home X-ray machine. They moved onto the next room, the walls were adorned with pictures of horses being fed carrots by the jodhpur clad money grabbing midget. But worse was to come:

"This is the master bedroom" Andy stared in horror at the My Little Pony characters staring down from the novelty wallpaper. They were portrayed on the bedspread, the curtains, every inch of the room brightly coloured garishly decorated room displayed a creepy cartoon horse.

Andy crossed the room and looked out of the window at the clan of burberry clad adolescents in jogging bottoms and Reebok classics who were in the process of rolling a Citroen Saxo onto it's roof. Meanwhile the other two men slipped out of the room to broker a deal.

"You've got to get him to take it" pleaded the estate agent "it's been on the market for almost two years, people take one step inside, recoil at the smell and decide to look elsewhere. I work on commission, if you persuade him to take it I'll split it with you."

"It'll be a hard sell but I convinced him to join the ****ty club in the first place so I should be able to manage" the two men shook hands before going back to fetch Andy. To their surprise he wasn't in the room where they'd left him.

"He's fled in horror" said the estate agent, gutted that the house had put off yet another potential client.

"Steve" came Andy's call from the bathroom "I need a wipe".

"Bear with us a moment" said Steve to the estate agent as he rolled up his sleeve and entered the bathroom.

After buying the house Andy and his assistant made their way to a local Range Rover dealership so they could replace Andy's car with one which hadn't been set on fire.

The salesman showed them around all the different models, seeming very keen that Andy should have a model dubbed "The Overfinch".

"Just one thing" said Andy "none of these cars have any wheels?"

"No that's right" agreed the salesman confidently " we like to mount them on bricks in the showroom to give you an impression of how they'll look on your drive. Don't worry though, we'll stick a set of boots on it so you can drive it home" he said with a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

After parting with another wedge of the fortune he had yet to earn, Andy went outside to meet Steve who'd been sorting some things out. "Bought one you like?"

"Yep" said Andy gesturing to the Overfinch.

"OK, I've typed your new address into the SatNav so you can get yourself home" said Steve "and I've also put the training ground in there so you can get to work in the morning. If there's nothing else you need I'll see you tomorrow".

Andy pulled into the driveway and entered the hideous mansion. It had been a long day and Andy just fancied chilling out, he went into the living room, flicked on the TV and settled down on one of the rocking horses. He switched on Sky Sports 2 and watched with regret as eleven people he'd considered mates last week tore Fulham apart, sending out an emphatic message that they'd moved on and he was nothing but a distant memory.

 

Not the best but I'm really bored.

 

No worries, got a decent laugh out of

 

Class

 

nice one!

 

Some little known facts I managed to garner about Liverpool when I visited it over 7 years ago for a weekend to visit the wife’s family:

1) Everyone in Liverpool smokes. Every one.

2) No one in Liverpool buys their own. No one.

3) A request for a chaffinch is usual. As an example a person will stop as they are walking past you because you are smoking a cigarette and demand that you give them a chaffinch. Replies that you’ve given up carrying small birds in your pockets are met with disgust. See Fact 1 and 2 above as something may have been lost in the translation.

4) Even the toddlers look old and weary.

5) Tourism is a life line to the city. Without it they would have to rob each other.

6) There is a posh area of Liverpool. It’s called Chester.

7) If you wish to start a fight tell them to calm down. Under no circumstances ask them to calm down repeatedly if you’re not prepared to fight or if you actually want them to ‘calm down’. Offer them a chaffinch to quieten down.

8) A posh scouser can say ‘They do though, Don’t they’. They have to have lived outside of Liverpool for at least 10 years to have managed this.

Note that I haven’t ever been back to Liverpool since.

 

OT:

On another note, was the Diva smiley here a week ago?

 

Class!

Love the life assistant role given to Steve, it must be difficult for him now that Carroll's left his parents home (Kev's house).