Sky News have just confirmed that the Leicester based company Walkers Crisps is to be taken over by a mega rich Arabian Consortium led by Sultan Sheikh.
"I can't believe this" my wife said tearfully. "My very first Mother's Day and not even a card." "Be reasonable" I told her. "He's only 7 months old he's not going to be able to get you anything for years yet."
A football coach noticed that his star striker, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" Bubba replied, "Well, coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and then I can do it like forever!" The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his p*n*s on the dresser. His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"
He’s just said he’d never do it again. Look at the state of my TV screen. He can’t bloody help himself........... please log in to view this image
“ATTENTION! Voter ID proposals are an outrage. It’s OUTRAGEOUS that: Dead people Non-existent people Ineligible people Multiple personality people Made up people Corrupt people ...won’t be able to vote @UKLabour anymore We depend on them. Stop #VoterID measures NOW!” please log in to view this image
Theresa May appoints new Brexit adviser after demonstrating it’s possible to exit Europe at a cost of only £300 million........ please log in to view this image
I'm currently viewing a woman's profile on a dating site: Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 green eyes. Don't get me wrong, I like short girls, but 3 green eyes? No wonder she can't find a bloke.
Why is it, when girls wear skimpy, revealing bikinis on holiday, they don't mind you staring at them? Yet if you catch them wearing only their bra and knickers, they scream and shout and cover themselves up with a towel? Sort it out Ladies. I didn't climb up this ladder for the good of my health you know!
Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them. ‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked a lawyer. ‘Wait and watch’, answered one of the engineers. When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip so when they arrived at the station they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers. “Wait and watch”, answered an engineer. In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please…"
