My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of matches. You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk.
I bought my new car stereo today, it"s voice activated. If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, if I shout "rock" it plays Guns and Roses. I was driving through town the other day when some children ran out in front of me, I shouted "F*CKING KIDS!" and it played Michael Jackson.
QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity". The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"? "Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".
I've just noticed that the BBC hospital series Casualty is up to series 30, and to keep it true to life, some of the patients from series 1 are just being seen.
I think I saw Michael J Fox at our local garden centre yesterday. I’m not 100% sure though because he had his back to the fuschias....
" I think the wife's died " " What do you mean you think your wife's died?" " Well, the sex is the same but there's a big pile of ironing in the basket "
RETIREMENT BONUS The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000... The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?' The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
2 Irish men working in a field. Paddy is digging holes and Mick is filling them in. After 9 holes a woman asks "Why are you digging a hole & the other lad is filling it in?" Paddy replies "There's usually 3 of us but the lad who usually plants the trees phoned in sick today"
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road with a wheelbarrow with 4 bombs in taking them to the police paddy says to Mick "what will we do if one of them goes off?" Mick said "we will tell the police we only found 3 "
Paddy and Murphy are walking into town and suddenly Murphy says he feels unwell.Paddy phones 999 for an ambulance. The operator asks where they are. Paddy replies "Eucalyptus Boulevard". "Could you spell that" asks the operator. "Forget it" says Paddy " I'll drag him round to Oak Road and you can pick him up from there "
