A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out of the water and bites him. To show the fish who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the Lions. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he gets attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two of the chimps with his spade, killing them both. 'Feed them to the lions.' He says to himself. So he hurls the corpses into the Lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the Lions cage. Later that day a new Lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "Alright pal. What's the food like here?" The Lion replies, "F*cking brilliant mate, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
I just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I took a load of abuse for my floral tribute that was in the shape of a lifejacket, but as I told everyone at the service, it's what he would've wanted!
I got myself one of those Dyson ball cleaners this weekend, A&E told me I misunderstood what it's for...
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded "The living one"
London Olympics 2028London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2028.You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2028. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below: OPENING CEREMONY The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium. 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc) HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun. BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy"s boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson. SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve." THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided MEN"S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler
My girlfriend just told me she doesn't care what she gets for Christmas this year "just make sure it's got diamonds in it" she said. A pack of playing cards it is then........
Just looking at the nativity scene at my local church and I can't help thinking how it reminds me of the Jeremy Kyle show - a mother, a baby, loads of hangers on and some bloke who isn't the father.
Sorry, didn’t want to start a new thread just for this exclamation and this one seemed the most appropriate.... Fuuuuuuuuucccccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!! No. Didn’t help. Who’s actually happy?
I ask people why they say prolly, they say because it's shorter than probably... When I get asked to do something, I just say No, because it's shorter than Yes...
Teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins. Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." The teacher turns her back Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their f*%$#@ mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!" Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you tomorrow?"
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED What is the difference between girls/women Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78? *********************************************************************************** At 8 You take her to bed and tell her a story *********************************************************************************** At 18 You tell her a story and take her to bed *********************************************************************************** At 28 You don't need to tell her a story To take her to bed *********************************************************************************** At 38 She tells you a story and takes you to bed *********************************************************************************** At 48 She tells you a story to avoid going to bed *********************************************************************************** At 58 You stay in bed to avoid her story *********************************************************************************** At 68 If you take her to bed, that'll be a story *********************************************************************************** At 78 What story? What bed? Who the hell are you? *********************************************************************************** According to the Office for National Statistics 190,374 People are having sex right now 212,130 Are kissing And one poor old fart Is reading emails You hang in there Matey !!
