The barnsley joke page

I said to the gym teacher:
''Can you teach me to do the splits?'
He said: 'How flexible are you?'
I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.''

 

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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next day, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"

 

I'm gonna use the numbers from my gas meter reading for my lottery, it works for British Gas.

 

• A blonde is sick of being labled a "dumb blonde" so goes to the hairdressers to buy a brunette wig.
• "How much are they?" she asks."30 quid plus the tax"" replies the hairdresser.
• "Forget the tax," she replies, "I"ll use glue.."

 

How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?

 

What's the difference between Snow White and Glasgow Celtic?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

 

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish & chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!"

The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you f*cking paki c*nt".

 

When I was young we were very poor and I sometimes had to wear my sister's old clothes to school.

Turned up in the same dress as my teacher one day.

Don't know who was more embarrassed, him or me.

 

I ordered some stuff online the other day and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

 

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