The barnsley joke page

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BREAKING: Liverpool manager has resigned! He's taking his family home to Germany.

The Klopps go back this weekend!

 

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• My dentist just won "dentist of the year"
• All he got was a little plaque.

 

• I went to the doctor today to talk about contraception.
• She said "You could try French letters".
• I said "What"s that?"
• She said "Condoms"
• I said "I don"t like them".
• So she said "You should try the French Army method then".
• I said "What"s that?"
• She said "You pull out before you get into trouble!".

 

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A Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers for an eye test. The optician shows him a board with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ on it and says, "Can you read that?"

"Read it," says the Pole, "I f*cking know the twat!"

 

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Researchers have shown that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.

Hwoerve tihs is olyn in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

 

• I"m having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice.
• I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason.
• The vet replied " Muzzle "im? "
• No, I said- I think he"s an atheist.

 

• I was walking through a Saudi Arabian market and I saw a guy getting his hand stitched back on.
• I said "Oh I see you won your appeal"!!!!

 

• Did you know, that if all the cars in England were lined end to end....it would probably be Bank Holiday Monday.

 

A Scouse girl goes to the dole office to register for child benefit
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Scouse girl.
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" she says.
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Scouse girl, "It's great because if they're out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it"
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Scouse girl. "I just use their surnames."

 

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How much is that doggy in the window? The one with the waggely tail.

How much is that doggy in the window? Oh I do hope that doggy's for sale.

I f*cking love the Korean national anthem!

 

FOR THOSE ORGANISING A WORKS CHRISTMAS PARTY

For those of you who have Christmas Parties, you might want to think about this:

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
________________________________________

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party

I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan

 

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