I found someone’s wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I turned it into wine.
Accordion to a recent survey, 95% of people won't notice if you replace a word with a musical instrument.
Viagra have just released a new pill called Viagra 007... It doesn't make you harder, it just makes you Roger Moore...
Paddy was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything". Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken" "How much?" asked Paddy. "Three quid." replied the salesperson. "Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom. He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the sales person "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - what's going on?" The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."
A beautiful young Blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the First Class seats. Seeing that the First Class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young ... blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much." hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the First Class section isn't going to New York."
New A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice face!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around. "Hey! Nice arse!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there. "Hey! big muscles!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him. The bartender replies, "It's not me; it must be the nuts they're complimentary."
A guy in Texas is stood at a bar wearing a big Stetson hat when a beautiful woman walks up to him and says "Hey, are you a real Cowboy?" He replied "well ma'am, I was born on a farm and as long as I can remember I've tended to cows, roped & branded them, fixed fences, dug ditches, put shoes on the horses, learned to throw a lasso and shoot a six gun, spent most of my life in the saddle so sure, I guess you could say I am a real Cowboy. How about you? What do you do?" "Well let me tell you, I am a Lesbian. As long as I can remember I've loved women's bodies and nothing gives me more pleasure than touching, licking and kissing all the soft curves of a woman, her hard nipples in my mouth, running my fingers down between her legs and stroking her delicate pussy and then going down on her until she cums in my face." With that she takes her drink, winks at the Cowboy and walks off leaving him dumbfounded. A minute later a man walks up to the bar and says "Hey, are you a Cowboy?" to which our hero replies "I used to think so son, but now I think I'm a Lesbian".
Ten minutes later, it was time for another pint. Expecting more nice words, the man was surprised to hear a voice say “you’re an ugly bastard with a tiny knob!” He said th the barman “I thought those nuts were complimentary?” The barman replied “Oh, they are. That was the fag machine. It’s out of order...”
Tail of mouse Eye of cat Head of newt and wing of bat. Not Halloween, a list of reasons why the council closed our KFC.