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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My wife says she's leaving me due to my obsession with police interviews.

    For the benefit of the tape it's 7.15 am and she has just left the room.
     
    #3581
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.
    "Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.
    That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance
     
    #3583
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare.

    The librarian says "No point You'll only lose it"
     
    #3584
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my swimming trunks was upsetting some of the other swimmers.

    I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave.

    They replied "because he hasn't s*at himself".
     
    #3586
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went to the doctors because I had trouble with my hearing. "What are the symptoms?" he enquired.

    "They're a little yellow cartoon family, why do you ask?"
     
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  10. antipodean exile

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    At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
    Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
     
    #3590
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    An old couple is ready to go to sleep.
    The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.
    The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''
    The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
     
    #3591
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  13. antipodean exile

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  14. antipodean exile

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  15. antipodean exile

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  16. antipodean exile

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  17. antipodean exile

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  18. Wooperts_duck

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  19. Wooperts_duck

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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Took me ages to find the Halloween section in Lidl.

    Every time I thought I'd found the display it turned out to be customers.
     
    #3600
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