Off Topic Jokes thread

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A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

 

Tail of mouse
Eye of cat
Head of newt
and wing of bat.


Not Halloween, a list of reasons why the council closed our KFC.

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice face!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.
"Hey! Nice arse!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.
"Hey! big muscles!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
The bartender replies, "It's not me;
it must be the nuts
they're complimentary."

 

Why is business so hard. I'm closing my restaurant this week. I've advertised on the TV, radio, newspapers and even sent out fliers with no success.

It's called ''the G spot''. Nice food, lovely restaurant and good prices. Everyone has heard about it but no one can find it.

 

Why do men always give their jackets to woman when they are cold?

Because no one wants a blow job from a woman when her teeth are chattering.

 

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CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS PAGE DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED ON THIS PAGE? WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHES HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 7+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

 

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When threatened the pope can spray holy venom up to 25ft.

 

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Viagra have just released a new pill called Viagra 007... It doesn't make you harder, it just makes you Roger Moore...

 

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window.
The notice said "We sell everything".
Paddy could not believe this so he went inside.
He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?"
The salesperson said "Yes, everything".
Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?".
The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back".
Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag.
"Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"
"How much?" asked Paddy.
"Three quid." replied the salesperson.
"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy.
So away he went as happy as larry.
When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag.
At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop.
He screamed at the sales person "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - what's going on?"
The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."