Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Penguins.are southern hemisphere birds. Does anyone in Australia, New Zealand, or South Africa say "highway"?

 

I think most of South America does and it's most likely that there are penguins right down there on the very top blowing seals all day long

 

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Being accused of just sitting in front of the TV watching football all day yesterday.

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Going for a walk on the Longmynd later, bet it is bloody cold up there.

 

Give Me Your Papers

I was riding in my private car together with my wife on our way home. Before a junction, I was stopped by two police officers. One of them approached me and asked me to produce my car papers. I opened the glove box, looking for the papers.

The police officer shouted at me furiously and said 'Where have you been living all the time? Isn’t it in this town? I said give me your papers and you are looking for papers?’ I smiled but he was still looking at me furiously. Then I rapped twenty pounds in his hand, he said ‘Ahaaa!!! Now, you understand our language, safe journey, drive carefully.’

 

Smart parenting

 

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Was that Boris Becker?.

 

Q: How did Vlad the Impaler communicate with his palace staff?

A: Internal post.

 

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There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

 

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

A Math Professor's Mistake

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

 

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One night a murder took place by a pond so the police were down there asking questions. A police officer goes up to the first duck and says state your name and where you were at the time of the murder. the duck replies my name is quack and i was down at the lake blowing bubbles. the cop goes to the next duck and says state your name and where you were at the time of the murder and the duck replies my name is quack quack and i was down at the lake blowing bubbles. the cop then goes on to the last duck and says let me guess your name is quack quack quack and you were down at the lake blowing bubbles and the duck says no i am bubbles.

 

That would require a long neck, which I guess ducks have.
https://www.not606.com/threads/duck-penises.353039/

 

An armed robber broke into a house and found a couple sitting at their dining room table. Pointing the gun, he said, "Let me know the names of my victims before I kill them".

Wife: My name is Eunice

Robber: Oh. My mother's name is Eunice. I can't kill you. (Pointing the guy to the man) And you ?

Husband: I'm Joseph, but all my friends call me Eunice.

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice face!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.
"Hey! Nice arse!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.
"Hey! big muscles!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
The bartender replies, "It's not me;
it must be the nuts
they're complimentary."