Off Topic Lighten Up - have a laugh: Warning, may contain Adult Material

Hardly adult but I got a link to this from a financial blog:

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A video for your kids, it could just save society as we knew it!:

 

QM got us rolling. More Ronald Reagan jokes.

 

A right couple of idiots at work.

 

Micheal Caine.

 

Must have seen this one a dozen times, Cyc, still makes me laugh!

(Saw him on TV with Morgan Freeman not long ago (to promote their new movie, I guess), thought he looked a bit down in the dumps, was not himself at all?).

 

Laurel & Hardy dancing to AC/DC's "Shot Down In Flames"

Not a joke as such, but amusing and damn good synchronisation work? With acknowledgements to jimileybaldhead in the QPR section of the football forum:

 

A sunny day means the kids get their one wash of the year: Hull, S***ty Culture 2017

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This one doing the rounds down here where I live. Hadn't heard it myself before:

Teacher asked her very young pupils to tell everyone what their dads did for a living. All the kids gave pretty standard answers and after thanking the kids, she noticed that little Maxie had said nothing. So she asked him why he had remained silent; he just shrugged and continued to be quiet. "Now, come along, Maxie", said his teacher, "we don't mind what your dad does, just tell us, I'm sure we'll find it interesting."

Little Maxie thought for a minute and said "OK, I'll give it a try." He related that his dad in fact worked in a gay bar every night, often did a bit of pole dancing and danced with the customers too, and sometimes even left with one of them, and didn't return home till next morning.

At this point the teacher stopped him, and called him over to a far corner of the classroom and said quietly "Maxie, that is not true is it? Why on earth did you cook-up such a story?"

"No, it isn't true", he said.

"Then why on earth did you do it?" said his teacher.

"Well", said Maxie, "my dad actually works for VW, and it would have been too bloody embarrassing for me to tell everyone that".

 

Yes I've seen that one before Swanny but it wasn't VW. Can't remember what was used but I guess it gets changed to suit

 

That's what worried me, Ron, these jokes get translated and turn-up in a different form in a different country. Heard this one when out to dinner with friends; it is topical, if nothing else!

 

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"

 

Contrary to popular belief, an octopus does not have 8 fannies

 

As I am myself a rather absurd person (well, look at my selections on the DT) and have little time for so-called 'dry' humour (which is more often than not somewhat sarcastic and even insulting), I love 'absurd' humour, for example as was practised by Spike Milligan. Just one of my favourites from the hundreds of his 'asides' was when he mentioned that "my dad suffered most of his life from Piles. Nowadays, a lot of people have never heard of that", he continued, "as, since we all went metric, it's called Hemorrhoids."

 

“Hey, the birds don’t usually hit on me”

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