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**** jokes thread

Discussion in 'The Premier League' started by PINKIE, Sep 21, 2017.

  1. remembercolinlee

    remembercolinlee Well-Known Member

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    <laugh>
     
    #241
  2. remembercolinlee

    remembercolinlee Well-Known Member

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    Reas the thread you unimaginative twat <whistle>
     
    #242
  3. The Ginger Marks

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    Sorry mate, what are you babbling about? <whistle>
     
    #243
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  4. The Prime Minister

    The Prime Minister Well-Known Member

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    Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
    After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
    The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
    Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
    "Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
    "That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
    "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
    O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
    He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
    "I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
    Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
    "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
    O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
    O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
    "I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
    O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
    "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
    "I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
    "Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
    "I will never use this bar again".
    "OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
     
    #244
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  5. The Ginger Marks

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    OUCH <laugh>
     
    #245
  6. remembercolinlee

    remembercolinlee Well-Known Member

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    As your Dr I am so sorry to have to tell you that you only have 10 to live!

    "10 what Dr? Days, weeks, months?"

    9
     
    #246
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  7. The Prime Minister

    The Prime Minister Well-Known Member

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    What do Butlins and Liverpool FC have in common?

    Both of their seasons end in September.
     
    #247
  8. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    Hedgehog shags a balloon..

    What a let down.
     
    #248
  9. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    Wizard walks into a gay thread.

    And disappears with a ****.
     
    #249
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  10. Dier Hard

    Dier Hard G'day mate!

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    Walked into a bookshop and said to the girl behind the counter: "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare".
    "Which one?" She replied.
    "William, you thick ****!"
     
    #250
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  11. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    Combine Harvesters.


    And you'll have really big resturants.
     
    #251
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  12. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    How do mexicans stay warm?

    The use chicken for heaters.
     
    #252
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  13. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    Man with cat scratches all over.

    Called Claude.
     
    #253
  14. FosseFilberto

    FosseFilberto Pizzeria Superiore and some ...
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    Michael Jackson's favourite football song?

    I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles
     
    #254
  15. FosseFilberto

    FosseFilberto Pizzeria Superiore and some ...
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    What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?

    Reg

    What do you call a dead man with a number plate on his head?

    X-reg
     
    #255
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  16. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    Went to a fancy dress party as a chicken, met a girl dressed as an egg.


    The answer to the old question is. Chhicken.
     
    #256
  17. FosseFilberto

    FosseFilberto Pizzeria Superiore and some ...
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    Once went to a fancy dress with a condom on my nose

    "What have you come as?"

    "Fcuk knows"
     
    #257
  18. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    I saw a dyslexic yorkshireman.

    He was wearing a cat flap.
     
    #258
  19. FosseFilberto

    FosseFilberto Pizzeria Superiore and some ...
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    Two gay scotsmen booked into a hotel ..

    Ben Doon and Phil McCavity ...
     
    #259
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  20. Libby

    Libby Derby County, we're coming for you

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    <laugh>
     
    #260

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