My favourite is below: A guy walks into a bar with one shoe on and the barman laughs and says mate did you lose a shoe? The guy says no mate i found one
I went to a charity disco the other night for women with no legs... The place was crawling with fanny
Paddy was driving home drunk and started swerving all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks about his bad driving. Paddy says "I was trying to avoid all them trees back there"... The cop replies "Thats just your air freshener swinging around"
Lobster walks into a bar, barman said; "get out, you're barred. You were in here last night giving it all that"......
Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name Cause if he didnt he would be called EWAR WOOWAR
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as Spiderman and shagged a girl dressed as catwomen, we had the most amazing sex but never revealed our identities to one another. I told my family about it over breakfast. My dad high fived me, mum rolled her eyes and my sister ran off crying for some reason. Im not happy i just got a new PC and its not working right. I've got a good mind to go and ask for my brick back.
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "You're going to get laid tonight". A bit surprised, she asks, "Really? How do you know that? Are you psychic?" "No, I'm just stronger than you."
I was driving around the other day and started feeling really horny. So I decided to swing by this well known dogging spot that was close by. There were a few other cars there so I pulled up and joined in. I had a great time, but I think I failed my driving test.
Boy says to his Mum "Mum, I've got the biggest cock at nursery, is it cos I is black?" she replies "No, it's because you're 28 and a ******, now mind you don't get spaghetti down your Bristol Rovers top"
When a man ejaculates, he comes at twenty miles per hour. Which means it's perfectly safe to hit a child.
I was taking a shortcut to the pub last night by crossing over the railway. I saw a girl in the distance who was tied to the tracks, I untied her and it was amazing! we had sex in every position you could think of. I told this to my mate when I got to the pub and he said "wow, did you get a blow job" I said no, I couldn't find her head.
During the riots I seen a black man running down the street with a 40inch HD TV For a second I thought it was mine but then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes.
****ing police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a **** and I'm the pervert?
Walking home one night and seen two guys in an alleyway wasted, one was so wiped out he was sucking the edge of a battery and his mate was chewing on a firework, next thing the police turned up everywere and arrested these moonbeams. One was charged and the other was let off...
My Grandad died last night - he went peacefully in his sleep... unlike the 52 screaming passengers on his coach.
