The barnsley joke page

I was stood outside the school dropping my son off earlier when a mother started crying beside me.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

"It's my daughters first day," she said."I'm just worried that she won't fit in because of her weight."

"Well the doors are a little narrow," I replied.

 

BREAKING NEWS : Apple have abandoned plans to build cruise liners after their prototype "The iTanic" kept syncing whenever it docked.

 

Teach Injury Lawyers a lesson by visiting their office, tripping over a carpet and throwing yourself down the stairs.

 

If you're on the motorway and the person driving in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining, it can only mean one thing.

She will be changing lanes.

 

After waiting ages for a reply, I've finally got a letter from the Royal Mail confirming my job application has been successful.

I start last Monday.

 

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A couple who'd been married for 20 years were facing financial difficulties! The husband said to the wife, " we can't pay the mortgage or the bills and we could be evicted" The wife asked what they could do. The husband said, " there's no option but to put you out on the game". The wife said well I'm very naive what do I do ? " Get ur glad rad rags on and I'll drive you to the red light district ". How much do I charge said wife. " Tell em its £30 for oral and £50 for full sex ". What if I get trouble wife said, " I'll be parked up the end of the street, any problems come back to the car ". That night she got glammed up and proceeded to the red light district. Within half an hour a guy approached and asked how much ? " it's £30 for oral and £50 for sex ". The guy said I've only £30 but I want Sex. The wife explained again," £30 gets oral not sex ". The guy reluctantly agreed and handed over £30. He undid his flies and flopped out a cock at least 12 inches long !! The wife said ,"hang on I'll be back shortly" and ran back to the car to see Hubby. Rather alarmed the hubby said " is everything ok, any problems " to which the wife replied........

" Could you lend him £20 "

 

North Korea's leader Kim Jong-un needs to explain why his barber is still alive.

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I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl.

 

It's stage four of the Tour of Britain in Liverpool today.

Stage five has already been cancelled as there won't be any f*cking bikes left!

 

Happy Anniversary Liverpool fans...

It's exactly 10,000 days since you last won the league.

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The daughter seems to have enjoyed her first day at big school.
Good job I got a picture of her in her school uniform to let everyone know how big she's grown.

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