Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

 

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

 

I have been diagnosed with a condition where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands. There is no cure.

 

Teacher asked her very young pupils to tell everyone what their dads did for a living. All the kids gave pretty standard answers and after thanking the kids, she noticed that little Maxie had said nothing. So she asked him why he had remained silent; he just shrugged and continued to be quiet. "Now, come along, Maxie", said his teacher, "we don't mind what your dad does, just tell us, I'm sure we'll find it interesting."

Little Maxie thought for a minute and said "OK, I'll give it a try." He related that his dad in fact worked in a gay bar every night, often did a bit of pole dancing and danced with the customers too, and sometimes even left with one of them, and didn't return home till next morning.

At this point the teacher stopped him, and called him over to a far corner of the classroom and said quietly "Maxie, that is not true is it? Why on earth did you cook-up such a story?"

"No, it isn't true", he said.

"Then why on earth did you do it?" said his teacher.

"Well", said Maxie, "my dad actually works for VW, and it would have been too bloody embarrassing for me to tell everyone that".

 

"I got the oars stuck in my boat the other day"
"Rowlocks?"
"No, it's true"

 

I dated a girl who was a northern actress called Jane
Horricks
No it's true

 

I'm a big fan of Yale security products...

Padlocks?

No, their smart home alarm kit.

 

I have now been asked so many times if I remember where I was when Diana died that I'm beginning to think I'm a suspect."

 

"I'm taking the family on holiday to Spain"
"Balearics?"
"No, it's true"

 

That American actress Reece just got stabbed
Witherspoon
No with a knife

 

" I can never decide what brand of soap to buy"
" Buy Lux? "
" No its true.."

 

The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar. It was tense

 

I can't decided what type of steroids to use...etc.

 

I'm partial to a small woodland glen in the Stirling council area of Scotland...and so forth.

 

Just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in morse code.

 

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"My mate got a job trialing MDMA tablets, he had to....."
"Test E's?"
"No, it's true"

 

A court in India has granted a woman a divorce on the grounds that her husband failed to provide her with an indoor toilet.

Interestingly enough, my ex-wife also divorced me over disagreements regarding access to the ****ter...

 

You actually make these up yourself, don't you?

 

Make these up? I was just making conversation...