The barnsley joke page

please log in to view this image

 

Got pulled over by the police:
Police: "Turn around"
Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round"
Police: "Turn around"
Me: "Bright eye's"
That's when I got tasered.

 

I was standing at the bus stop this morning next to a heavily pregnant woman.

I said politely, "When is it due?"

She smiled and replied, "Nine days."

I said, "Nine days? F*ck that, I'll start walking."

 

My Scouse neighbour has asked in his will for six Liverpool players to be pall bearers at his funeral as he wants to be let down by the club one last time.

 

please log in to view this image

 

Apparently, the inability of Tim Henman to get past a semi has always left his wife very sexually frustrated.

 

When I look at the moon, I see you,
When I look at the stars, I see you,
When I look at the Sun, I see you,
When I look at the sea, I see you,
Bloody wife move out of the way fatty!!!!!!!

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

The weather in Britain is set to hit the 90's next week,

.........all except in the Anfield area of Liverpool, which is set to be stuck in the 80's!

 

When I got home my wife had 2 of her friends round. "Here he is," she said. "We were just talking about having a foursome, if you're up for it?"

She smiled and winked. Two minutes later, I appeared naked with my dick in my hand. They all had tennis rackets in theirs!

 

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.

Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Not amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:

"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"

 

On his first outing with his new team at Goodison, Wayne Rooney scored a hat trick.

Ethel, 64, Agnes 71, and a scorcher, Gertrude, 92......

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

He helps people stay alive.....

please log in to view this image

 

Just received a parcel from Holland.

When I opened it, inside it, there was a Rubber Fanny.

That's nice I thought, "Two Lips from Amsterdam."

 

The latest news on Joe Hart is that his West Ham medical has revealed no signs of dandruff, and the deal should go through later today.

 

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist.

They've obviously never been to the Britannia chippy on the Gloucester Road.