The barnsley joke page

F*ck me, look at that.
Completely the wrong Grip for a forehand Smash!

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I f*cking hate Ed Sheeran, so when he came out at Glastonbury I finished my pint, pissed in it and then threw it at the ginger c*nt.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but my TV's f*cked now.

 

I missed a Jehovah"s Witness at the front door this morning, which was a odd as I thought I had a clear shot

 

The Pope is having some work done in the Vatican.
As he is passing one of the carpenters hits his thumb with a hammer "F*cking Hell!" he cries.
The pope is horrified and tells the carpenter "My son, this is the house of God, such profanities are not appropriate here.
If you have hurt yourself in some way you should offer your prayer to our lord Jesus and he will give you relief from your suffering"
Next day as the Pope is passing the same carpenter who chops off his fingers with a saw. "Oh my God! Sweet Jesus help me now!" says the carpenter.
With that the fingers levitate themselves and re-attach themselves to the poor carpenter"s hand, all the blood disappears and the carpenter wiggles his fingers.
"F*cking Hell" says the Pope.

 

My wife said she thought it would be very romantic if when she dies, she could be buried in her wedding dress.

I said,"You"d better hope you die of some kind of wasting disease then".

 

I saw JK Rowling on the news earlier talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.

I don't think anyone has milked a little wizard this much since Debbie McGee.

 

My neighbour just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?"

He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters." I said, "Wow, your sisters are really f*cking ugly."

 

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone!"
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it!" he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

 

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Serena Willliams says if she doesn't win Wimbledon in the next few years after giving birth she's gonna quit tennis. Perhaps she could pursue her acting career.

She was f*cking brilliant in The Green Mile.

 

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.


Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean!

 

My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had until a fart that, from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was horrified.

"Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth - isn't that right, nurse?"

"Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father."

 

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A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets some of his mates in the pub, who ask how his holiday was..."had a great time"

Then one of his mates asks "why have you got a leg missing?"

The cannibal replies, "it was a self catering holiday!"

 

I have to laugh whenever I see the French bank "BNP," who now have branches in England.

I just wonder how many skinheads turn up thinking its a recruiting office?

 

Bloke walks into a bar with an elephant. "This elephant will do anything," he announces proudly.
"All right," says the barman. "Make it stand on one leg."
So the bloke lifts the elephant"s ear up and whispers something to the elephant.
Moments later the great grey beast lifts itself up onto its hind legs then carefully balances itself up on one leg.
The crowd in the bar go wild with enthusiastic cheering."
Very clever," says the barman. "Now lets see it f*ck my cat." And so saying, he plonks the genial bar cat onto the bar.
The bloke with the elephant thinks a moment then takes the cat and places it on the floor in front of the elephant (who is still poised Bolshoi like on one leg).
He gets up on tip toe and whispers something in the elephant"s ear.
As silence descends on the drinkers in the bar, the man steps back and the elephant teeters over and comes crashing down, splattering Tiddles across the floor."
There you go," says the bloke. "That"s f*cked it."