The barnsley joke page

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Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

 

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.""I know, father." "In fact, I don"t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree", says the Father,
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman"s boobs and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don"t see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely boobs, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man"s Willie. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my Willie in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that"s wonderful, stick it in the camel and let"s get the hell out of here."

 

Man goes into Doctors. "I think I've got this bird flu thing that"s been going round."

The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"

The man replies, "Well, I've starting wearing make up, talking bollocks, and I can"t park the f*cking car."

 

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Police forces are on a recruitment drive to find more Women Police Officers.

Apparently, the reason there are so few women in the Police force is they just can't seem to grasp the concept of "The right to remain silent!"

 

Be careful people, there are a lot of scams on the internet.

For £19.99 I can show you how to avoid them.......

 

What"s the difference between a Lada and a sheep?

It"s less embarrassing being seen getting out of the back of a sheep.

 

In a recent survey, Britain"s chavs were asked if they wanted the Pound or the Euro as their currency.

They said neither, and that they"d prefer to stick with the giro.

 

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

 

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It's been seven hours and fifteen days since my wife left me because of my obsession with Sinead O'Connor.

 

Paddy and Mick are going home from a night out and realise that they don't have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus depot and steal a bus. Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stood guard. After a while Paddy decided to see what was keeping Mick so he looked through the gate where he saw Mick running from bus to bus looking worried
"What the hell are you doing?" Hissed Paddy.
Mick replied, "I can't find a number 6 bus anywhere Paddy."
Holding his hands to his head in disbelief Paddy barked
"You idiot Mick, steal a number 8 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the feckin way."

 

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Choosing who to vote for is like having to choose a sexually transmitted disease.

They're all unpleasant and some are worse than others, but you really don't want any of them!

 

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He had been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you are gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "N-n-n-n-o. B-b-but I've always wanted to."

 

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Women are very strange creatures. They love lingerie and they love car boot sales.

Yet when I buy my wife some lingerie from the car boot sale for her birthday I suddenly turn into a useless, thoughtless bastard.